CAST

Philip - Our hero, President of Mensa chapter 4095, with a paltry IQ of 140
Jacob - Mensa member, Philip's best friend
Roger - Mensa member, always seen with his calculator
Harold - Mensa member, does not like Philip very much
Mr. Archibald - Philip's boss, proud of Philip's accomplishments
Mr. Benson - Important potential client of Mr. Archibald
Henrietta - Philip's wife, former Mensa powerhouse
Jocasta - Philip's daughter, pretentious child genius
Mensa Members - Members of Mensa chapter 4095, about 4 or 5 people

SCENE 1: THE MENSA MEETING

(Lights come up on a meeting being adjourned. Philip stands in front of a pulpit/table holding a gavel. The Mensa Members, Roger, Harold, and Jacob all sit in the chairs in front of him. A chair and TV/VCR are seen off to the side with the TV facing the back of the stage at an angle.)

PHILIP:
... And that concludes our meeting of Mensa chapter 4095. All rise (bangs gavel).

ALL:
(Stand up) Excelsior!

(All leave except Philip, Jacob, Roger, and Harold)

HAROLD:
Very efficient meeting, Roger! Quite a bit done!

ROGER:
Without any of Peterson's usual shenanigans, either!

JACOB:
You really have a knack for keeping people on task.

PHILIP:
Well, thanks guys. I'm really having a fun time! I'm still just floored that I'm even here. Thanks for taking a chance on me. Especially you, Jacob.

JACOB:
Nonsense, Philip! Mensa is about getting together and celebrating our intelligence. Even though we all have high IQs, it doesn't matter how high each of our individual IQs are or aren't. That isn't what it's about, right?

(All look at Harold, who gives a small sign of acquiescence)

JACOB:
The important thing is that we are all special and smart. And we should share in that.

ROGER:
(Pointing to calculator) Hah! I had calculated a 74% chance you would say something like that, Jacob! You're so predictably supportive.

(All laugh)

HAROLD:
I know I expressed some doubts about you when you were elected president of our chapter, Philip. I thought Jacob was mad to have nominated you! I'm sorry to have doubted your abilities. You are quite... adequate.

PHILIP:
Well... thanks, Harold. That's... nice of you to say.

JACOB:
We're going to the coffee shop for a bit, if you'd like to join us, Philip.

ROGER:
Their napkins there are quite stiff. I almost had constructed a perfect geodesic dome using simple origami patterns last time. Until the waitress... (trails off)

PHILIP:
Well, as much as I'd like to say yes, I really need to catch up on that Nova special on Super String Theory. I feel like I am really behind on my presidential duties.

HAROLD:
(Shocked) You haven't seen the...

JACOB:
(interrupting) That's fine, Philip. We'll catch up with you later. (Philip turns and loads VCR, then sits and starts watching the program) Come on, Roger, I bet you $5 that the waitress will only ignore you twice this time when you ask for extra napkins.

ROGER:
(Pulls out calculator and punches in some numbers) You're on!

(Jacob and Roger leave, Harold gives a lingering look to Philip, who has sat down to watch the video, then follows the other two.)

ROGER:
(Looks around. Takes a video from a hiding place, replaces what is in VCR with new video. Sounds of the movie "Billy Madison" can be heard.)
(Laughing, impersonating Adam Sandler) Stop looking at me, swan! (Laughs some more)

HAROLD:
(Opens door) Say, Philip, have you seen my... (Sees television) Hey! That's not Stephen Hawking!

PHILIP:
(Panicked, tries to block view of TV) Oh, uh... hi Harold! Um... I was just...

HAROLD:
Really, Philip. Adam Sandler!?! You know our bylaws!

(Jacob and Roger enter)

JACOB:
What's going on?

ROGER:
(Looking worriedly at calculator) Oh, I think I know!

PHILIP:
Uh, guys... I can explain!

JACOB:
(Seeing television) Oh, Philip... no... no. (Hides face in his hands in sorrow)

HAROLD:
(Grabs remote and turns off TV. Approaches Philip, seething) As First Guard of our chapter, as stated in bylaw 7, paragraph 2, I hereby strip you of membership and rank in chapter 4095 of Mensa. (Makes official looking gesture. Others gasp.)

PHILIP:
Come on, guys. This is a joke, right. I mean... it's just a movie. It's harmless!

JACOB:
Philip, I... I'm so sorry. (Turns his back on Philip)

ROGER:
(Inspecting calculator) Oh gosh. Chances aren't too good for you, Philip. Sorry. (Turns back on Philip).

HAROLD:
(Grinning menacingly) I knew it was a mistake to let you in. 140 IQ... you're barely brilliant. You disgust me! (Turns back)

PHILIP:
(World is crumbling around him. Looks around at men in the room. Hangs head and leaves dejected. Others do not look at him as he leaves.)

LIGHTS OUT

END SCENE 1

SCENE 2: PHILIP'S KITCHEN

HENRIETTA:
(Fixing dinner table - Philip enter) Oh, hi, Philip. (Kisses Philip quickly, almost absently on cheek as she runs around) How was your meeting?

PHILIP:
Um... very, interesting. Uh...

HENRIETTA:
Oh don't bore me with details, love. You know how insufferable I find those people.

PHILIP:
(Brightens) Oh, really... you do?

HENRIETTA:
Yes, that's why I quit. I mean really, all that mental masturbation and going on about this and that and theoretical meanderings that led to nowhere. It was interesting at first, but I soon tired of it and found it to be quite the time waster.

PHILIP:
(Now quite happy) Well, then...

HENRIETTA:
But I did have some fun. Getting bylaw 7, paragraph 2 in place to keep the idiots that slipped through the cracks out was my crowning achievement. (Philip slumps) But, after pushing that through, I ran out of challenges. (Laughs to herself) Of course, Roger predicted I would. Sharp man, he is.

PHILIP:
Yes... sharp man...

JOCASTA:
(Walks in) Hi, Dad! How was your meeting?

PHILIP:
Umm... okay, I guess... uh... (Wanting to change the subject) Tell me about your day, Jocasta. Did you do anything fun or interesting?

JOCASTA:
(scoffs) Well, Mr. Bancroft, our physics teacher was just being totally dumb. We had a huge argument about the applicability of Boyle's law when using non-ideal gases. He sent me to the principal's office after I told him he was an idiot and my Dad was president of Mensa so I couldn't possibly...

PHILIP:
Jocasta! You didn't!

JOCASTA:
Sure I did, Dad. He's a Neanderthal. I think his degree is from some second rate polytechnic school in...

PHILIP:
(Interrupts) Jocasta! You do not speak back to your teachers like that. Whatever gave you the idea you could talk like that!

JOCASTA:
From Mom.

PHILIP:
What!?!

HENRIETTA:
Oh, Philip, the girl is just trying to establish her place in the world. What's the harm in that? It's important for us to put our intellectual inferiors in their places.

PHILIP:
The harm is in teaching her to underestimate other values people might have. The ability to communicate. To teach someone. Those are real traits. Who cares if you belong to an organization of hyper intelligent people or if you were kicked out for violating bylaw 7, paragraph 2...? (Stops - Henrietta and Jocasta gasp)

JOCASTA:
Adam Sandler...

HENRIETTA:
Oh, Philip! No!!

PHILIP:
(Looking back and forth at his wife and daughter) It was harmless, I...

HENRIETTA:
I knew I should have followed father's advice... (Grumbles regrettably) 140...

PHILIP:
(hurt and a bit indignant) Now look here, Henrietta...

JOCASTA:
(In tears) I have no father! (Storms offstage)

PHILIP:
Jocasta... come back!

HENRIETTA:
(Hands Philip a pillow and some blankets) Enjoy the futon... Sandler-ite! (Slaps him, follows Jocasta offstage)

(Philip stands there, staring in disbelief and shock after his wife and daughter, holding the blankets and pillow)

LIGHTS OUT

END SCENE 2

SCENE 3: THE OFFICE

(Philip sits at desk, typing away at his computer. Mr. Archibald enters, talking and leading in Mr. Benson.)

MR. ARCHIBALD:
And there is a fire suppression system built in that is completely non-toxic and safe for the electronics. And here (gestures towards Philip) is the crown jewel of our company. Mr. Benson, meet Philip.

PHILIP:
(Stands and shakes Mr. Benson's hand) Mr. Archibald is very kind. I'm just another cog in the wheel.

MR. BENSON:
That's not what I hear, Philip!

MR. ARCHIBALD:
He's sharp as a tack, Mr. Benson. His hard work helped get us off the ground when we barely had money to pay our electric bills. Real go-getter! Natural born leader, too. Did I tell you that our Philip here is president of his Mensa chapter?

PHILIP:
No really sir, that's...

MR. BENSON:
President, you say? Well, that's very impressive. Good man you have here, Mr. Archibald. Company probably couldn't survive without him.

MR. ARCHIBALD:
I should say not! (Mr. Archibald and Mr. Benson laugh loudly. Mr. Archibald slaps Philip on the back. Philip laughs weakly.)

PHILIP:
Really, Mr. Archibald, there are things that are more important than membership in an organization.

MR. ARCHIBALD:
Of course, of course, Philip. But it certainly doesn't hurt!

MR. BENSON:
I should say not.

PHILIP:
But sir... I'm not even a member, any more! It's a ridiculous organization!

(Silence. Mr. Benson looks puzzled, then pissed. Mr. Archibald is nervous.)

MR. ARCHIBALD:
Ahh... Philip... heh... best not to joke about that sort of thing. Um... Mr. Benson...

PHILIP:
Look, Mr. Archibald... Mr. Benson. I don't need to be associated to some organization to do good work! I am still the man who keeps this company going. Still the lynch pin that holds everything together. Whether I am the president of the local chapter of some brainiac organization or whether I was cast out for some silly bylaw 7, paragraph 2...

MR. BENSON:
(gasps) Sandler!

PHILIP:
(confused) Umm... Yeah. How did you...?

MR. BENSON:
(interrupting) That landmark legislation has been adopted nationally by our organization as a way of rooting out the inferior. The dregs. It's what saves us from being overrun with the statistically fortunate who can somehow beat out our stringent testing systems.

PHILIP:
Oh my God... you mean...

MR. BENSON:
(interrupting) That's right... I'm a member of Mensa chapter 3112, residing Marshal and honorary member of the Grand Council. And you, sir, are a disgrace! (Turns and leaves in a huff. Mr. Archibald just stares at floor in front of his feet in disbelief)

PHILIP:
(Approaching Mr. Archibald) Mr. Archibald, I...

MR. ARCHIBALD:
(interrupting, putting up his hand, still staring in front of his feet) That's... enough, Philip. (Sighs heavily) Gather your things. Security will be here in 10 minutes. (Turns around and walks off, disillusioned, in a slow, dragging manner with the same dead stare).

PHILIP:
(Hangs head, grabs box and starts loading it up with things from his desk.)

LIGHTS OUT

END SCENE 3

SCENE 4: PHILIP'S KITCHEN

(Philip walks in with box full of belongings)

PHILIP:
Henrietta? Jocasta? I'm home. (Sets box on table, sees note from Henrietta. Picks it up and reads it.) "Dear Philip, have taken Jocasta with me to live with Harold." Harold!?! "Please find the strength to do the right thing. Look in the shoe box on the table. Regards, Henrietta." (Hold note and opens shoe box, pulls out gun, looks at note again) "P.S. Jocasta says she hates you and has started to call Harold 'Daddy'."

(Crumples up and throws down note with one hand - contemplates gun. Sighs heavily.) (Singing weakly) Happy Birthday, to me... Happy... (Chokes back tears. Looks at gun. Opens his mouth and points gin at it. Pulls trigger - it's a squirt gun! Sputters and says) Grape juice?

ALL:
(Whole cast enters) SURPRISE!

HENRIETTA:
Happy Birthday, sweetheart!

JOCASTA:
Happy Birthday, Dad!

PHILIP:
What... what's going on!

MR. ARCHIBALD:
Just a bit of surprise, young Philip. Happy Birthday!

PHILIP:
Mr. Archibald? Mr. Benson? But, bylaw 7, paragraph 2...

JACOB:
Oh we made all that up to play a bit of a prank on you!

HAROLD:
Yes, surprised you didn't figure it out. (All look at Harold) What? I was joking!

PHILIP:
But I... I almost...

ROGER:
(Punching calculator buttons) Yes, there was an 80% chance of you going for the gun. As a precaution for an existing 19.9% alternative, we replaced your wife's Zantac pills with Smarties, in case you went for them.

JACOB:
The knives are all real, though.

ROGER:
A statistical impossibility, my friend! Well worth the risk of a Mensa sponsored birthday prank gone well. (All laugh, except Philip)

PHILIP:
So I'm not kicked out. I can stay.

HAROLD:
(All look at Harold) (grudgingly) Yes.

PHILIP:
Oh wow! You guys...

JACOB:
Hey wait, we got you a present. (gives present to Philip)

PHILIP:
(Opens present) "Tommy Boy"!

JACOB:
No bylaws about Chris Farley, either.

PHILIP:
You guys are great!

MR. BENSON:
Don't just stand there... let's watch it!

ALL:
Excelsior!! (Run off stage)

LIGHTS OUT

END SCENE 4

END PLAY